The Final Life Lesson, An Education in Retrospect

Trust me, I'm a celebrity

Well, Class, we’ve certainly learned some important life lessons, have we not? From Susan ‘slapped-arse’ Boyle to Ashley Rascole, with various pun-worthy gurus thrown into the mix along the way, we have, by all accounts, scratched the surface of the art of Celebrity life, in all its absurdity and paradox. Thus, as we reach our tenth- and final- life lesson, we turn our attention back upon ourselves and retrospectively take stock of what we have been taught from all those cry, ‘Trust me, I’m a Celebrity!’ So take note and follow the rules, dear friends. And consider this hindsight your final life lesson: conscientiously and all attentive, never underestimate the importance of education.

Do you visualise your image staring back at you beneath the crimson-hued font of Heat Magazine? Do you wish to feel the soft fabric of the red carpet beneath your Christian Louboutin-encased footsies? Do you dream of one day, someday, being eligible to appear on Celebrity Come Dine With Me? Fear not, all saying ‘aye!’, for we live in a
celebrity-driven world in which talent is a minor accessory – considered as optional as Ashley Cole’s fidelity – and you too can emulate the glory of, ooh, a Kerry Katona or Michelle Heaton, without even having to resort to the ever-effective kiss-n-tell. Indeed, all it takes is a brief review of Papture’s Celebrity Life Lessons to catapult oneself atop the dizzying heights of the covetable C-list. C does, after all, stand for Celebrity.

Let us take, for example, the stellar success of Alex Reid – a man who has clearly revised his Celebrity Life Lessons with diligence and precision. Life Lesson No.1 instructed us all to look crap, and so Alex complied, with little chagrin. So too did he adhere to the instructions laid out in No.4, channelling his inner drag queen and modelling himself in the image of Katie Price with flamboyant flair. ‘You say I should marry a stranger, Papture?’ he questioned Lesson No.5, before making haste to Sin City itself, singing ‘Viva Las Vegas’ all the way down the aisle. Heck, the cross-dressing Mrs Jordan even managed to follow James Cameron’s Life Lesson No.6, entering the Celebrity Big Brother abode resolutely and effectively ‘in it to win it.’ The student has clearly paid attention and, though it pains me to say, credit must be given where it is due. Full marks awarded.

And though the celebrity life may not be to everyone’s taste, the lessons to be learned are still invaluable and should thus be followed with egomaniacal compliance. Where relationships are concerned, take a toyboy or a harem, or another innovation of your choosing – the choice is yours to revel in self-indulgence. In social situations, cry it out, deny all your convictions, and offend all those who look you directly in the eye. [Note: sunglasses are mandatory.] Be bold, brash and brazen; offend and dispute; cast yourself as the starring role in your very own soap opera. In short, ego-centralise thyself and play by these rules. Then break the lot of them. And finally, to seal the (magazine) deal, get Paptured.