The Final Life Lesson, An Education in Retrospect

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Well, Class, we’ve certainly learned some important life lessons, have we not? From Susan ‘slapped-arse’ Boyle to Ashley Rascole, with various pun-worthy gurus thrown into the mix along the way, we have, by all accounts, scratched the surface of the art of Celebrity life, in all its absurdity and paradox. Thus, as we reach our tenth- and final- life lesson, we turn our attention back upon ourselves and retrospectively take stock of what we have been taught from all those cry, ‘Trust me, I’m a Celebrity!’ So take note and follow the rules, dear friends. And consider this hindsight your final life lesson: conscientiously and all attentive, never underestimate the importance of education. Read the rest of this entry »

Life Lesson No.9, courtesy of Ashley Rascole

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So, you’ve been caught red handed, indictable and remiss. Again. The evidence is piled high against you and the people of the world (or the readers of The Sun, at least) are scorning you with violent castigation. What do you do? Hang your head in shame and beg for mercy, hoping all will look upon a pennant sinner with forgiving eyes and generous amnesty? Do you, heck! It seems instead that a new policy is being prescribed by every Spin-doctor in town, urging the errant Celeb-folk of today to follow a more belying course of action. And it’s time for us all to follow suit. Thus we turn our attention to a seasoned pro – a (football) player supreme who, inspired by the success of his wife Cheryl, has taken to finding out for himself who’s really got The XXX Factor. Yes, with sheepish wrongdoing and fingers-crossed, we look upon Ashley Cole to deliver our next celebrity life lesson: categorically and in no uncertain terms, Deny. It. All.

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Life Lesson No.8, courtesy of Pity Andre

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Expect rain today, as a monsoon, wet and wild, pours upon the fields of Celebland. Howling a blubber, it signals the blues with its rainy abandon and soaks the ground with drenching torrents, sending all in sight into a flurry of water-sprayed bewilderment. I am, of course, referring to The Celebrity’s cry-ridden meltdown, a time-honoured tradition that sheds bitter tears with an attention calling ‘boohoo.’ The Best Dramatic Performance this week goes to Peter Andre, whose evocative display of attention-seeking sorrow reminded us at once of the power of the whimper and urged us to follow the tracks of his tears in weeping imitation. Yes, choked up and all a-sniffle, we move swiftly along to our next celebrity life lesson; lamentably, bawl like a baby.

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Life Lesson No.7, courtesy of Ricky Jeer-vais

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A disease is sweeping across the plains of Celeb-land with more rapacity than a trophy wife on the prowl. It infects the will of all – the tactless and the witty alike – with its disregard for health and respectability. It plunges the afflicted into the bottomless pit of alienation. It dismantles notions of propriety and respect with irreverent mockery. More importantly, it is genuinely hilarious. “I like a drink just as much as the next man…” quipped Ricky ‘Take the Mickey’ Gervais, whilst presenting the 67th Golden Globe Awards some weeks ago, “…unless the next man is Mel Gibson.” Genius! In those few words, Gervais became exemplary to us all, urging that we honour him as the paradigm of the people-put-down and follow in his menace. Yes, this week’s celebrity life lesson is one of incurable sickness: indiscriminately, contaminate thyself with foot-in-mouth disease.

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Life Lesson No.6, courtesy of King James Cameron

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The cameras flash their incandescent glow with more megawatts than a plastic surgery smile. The red carpet winds a ruby path down the road less travelled with the promise of ever-greater fame and fortune. The dress and/or tux at once taunt and strike with awe the heart of any person who someday, one day, hopes to feel the mystical comfort of ‘custom-made.’ Everything is perfect. And then, just as Angelina or Meryl or George or Brad open the envelope and deliver that all-important verdict, you think just one, sodding, thing – ‘That $!@*^%? stole my trophy!’ Read the rest of this entry »

Life Lesson No.5, courtesy of Mr and Mrs Russell Brand

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It’s official; amphetamines have, evidently, replaced coffee and a croissant as The Celebrity’s breakfast of choice. Indeed, in the time that it has taken me to come to this conclusion – roughly 38.3 seconds – a star of today has, most likely, met his / her fated soul-mate, had their relationship blessed by The Church of Scientology, and taken those first, precarious steps as man and wife from Las Vegas’ Graceland Chapel with tequila-induced tears of joy. And, now that Russell Brand and Katy Perry have unveiled themselves as the latest high-profile stars to indulge in a whirlwind love affair and resulting engagement, it seems to me that that the time has come to act with supersonic simulation. Yes, this week’s celebrity life lesson is a blaze of speedy action: hastily, and with not a moment to spare, marry a stranger. Read the rest of this entry »

Life Lesson No.4, Courtesy of Lord Gaga

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So, Lady(boy) Gaga is male, eh? Yes! It’s true! Well, probable. Okay, plausible, given the hearsay that has permeated the World Wide Web faster than one can yelp, “Jamie-Lee Curtis!” The eccentric – to put it mildly – singing sensation has been thrown into the gender-ambiguous spotlight once more due to his/her ‘disco-stick’ making an unwelcome, and still unconfirmed appearance at one of the star’s recent concerts. “WHAT IS SHE?’ cried gender-conscious folk across the globe, trying to make sense of such an intersexual jumble. Gaga’s gonads have, evidently, caused confusion before, plunged into dispute, most likely, due to her flamboyant self-presentation and utterly ambiguous insanity. And it is this insanity, ladies and gentlemen, which moves us swiftly along to our next celebrity life lesson: curiously, channel your inner Drag queen.

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Life Lesson No.3, courtesy of Cheetah Woods

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Oh, irony, how you warm my freezing, January-blues-ridden heart. It is with your menace that I turn my attention to Tiger – nay, Cheetah – Woods and his ‘transgressions.’ It is with your farce that the golfer’s multiple, abnormally excessive misdemeanours reveal his human weakness. And it is with your total absurdity that such adulterous episodes can offer themselves to us all as pillars of imitation. Yes, a new year and a new celebrity life lesson emerges from the initial wreckage of Woods’ career: expressly, and brashly speaking, take a harem.

I realise that, on first impressions, this may be swinging a club too far. After all, Tiger doesn’t seem to be benefitting too well from the bevy (and, by gum, weren’t they) of recent revelations concerning his extra-curricular pursuits: an indefinite break from golf; a very public dropping from certain high-profile sponsorship deals; a marriage hanging by a $300m coated thread. All this, and more, would lead us to think that adultery is wrong and this is one celebrity in whose Nike-endorsed footsteps we should not dare to tread. Think again.

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Life Lesson No.2, courtesy of Lady Madonna

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At this time of year when we celebrate the birth of baby Jesus, the inimitable Madonna has, naturally, gone one step further: she’s dating him. Of course, my attention is not directed towards he of immaculate conception and resurrection (who, I am sure, gets enough blogging space as it is); but rather, my thoughts are with the underwear model and all-round Brazilian beefcake Jesus Luz, who has been warming the Queen of pop’s manger for a long time now – in relative terms to his age, at least. Read the rest of this entry »

Life Lesson No.1, courtesy of Ms Susan Boyle

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I had, until very recently, become jaded by society’s superficiality. No matter what any magazine (feminist or otherwise) told me, physical appearance trumped talent or humour on every occasion. I fully understood the extent of this the last time (though certainly not the first) a male told me that I had a great personality, before swiftly rejecting me for a 5’10’’ Cindy Crawford lookalike. The fact is, we as humans are shallow creatures, and if we wish to get anywhere in life, we have to remember that presentation is everything. Read the rest of this entry »