Cheryl Cole texts Simon some important news

Simon Cowell has received a text message from Cheryl Cole saying that she is on the mend.

Cheryl, who has pulled out of the final auditions and boot camp for this year’s X-Factor, is in a battle with malaria and is hopefully going to be back soon.

Cowell said:

“She is on the mend and looking forward to coming back to work. She is making a good recovery.”

This year’s X-Factor judging panel has seen more personnel changes than Kerry Katona’s marital bed!

Kerry Katona admits to slitting her wrists

Kerry Katona isn’t known for having harmonious marriages.

So this may not come as a surprise to you, but it is still very awful to hear.

Kerry has admitted that when she was with ex-husband Mark Croft, she used to “try and slit her wrists”.

“I kept crying to Mark, saying I didn’t want this life anymore.”
“But I’d never do that, that’s why I’ve got my first two kids’ names on my wrists.”

Kerry seems to be in a better place at the moment.

Let’s hope that we don’t see a tragic ending.

The Final Celebrity Award: In Retrospect

Best Celebrity Award

There are rare moments in life, glimmers within the gaping abyss, when you know you have finally made it. Like having enough Boots points to actually make a purchase; or finally completing a crossword. From a broadsheet. Or managing to hold a conversation about the forthcoming election with pseudo-intellectual authority; or mistaking Kerry Katona for a down-n-out hobo and dropping a pound coin upon her lap. Yes, there are benchmarks for every success we muster and each one validates our self-importance just that little bit more. And the success of The Celebrity, you see, is just as marked.

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Stacey Solomon takes her son to Southend-on-Sea for the day

It’s crazy to think that Kerry Katona was once named mother of the year. This year hopefully the accolade will go to someone sensible.

We nominate X-Factor star and wonderful mother Stacey Solomon.

At just 20 years old Stacey acts like such an experienced mum.

The above photo, taken earlier today, shows Stacey and son Zachary in Southend at Adventure Island theme park.

On the weekend she spent time in Dagenham playing together:

Now that the X-Factor tour is coming to an end, we just hope that she can become a performer in her own right.

Now somebody sign her up!

Danielle Lloyd shows off her Baby bump

Gone are the days of falling out of nightclubs and showing her V’j'j to any photographer she can find.

Now Danielle Lloyd is a changed WAGwoman.

Danielle is 5 and a half months pregnant with fiancé, footballer Jamie O’Hara’s child.

Only a few months left to find out what type of mother Danielle will be.

Doting and demure like Charlotte Church or more like Kerrry Katona?

No.3: Best Celebrity Surprise

Best Celebrity Award

It comes out of nowhere and rattles us to our very core. Inverting the norm, it contradicts presumptions and casts the whole world itself into the unsettling shadows of an apocalyptic era, where nothing is what it seems. The planets collide and we, left open-mouthed and all-agog, are left to decipher right from wrong, hot from cold, Ant from Dec – and scope out the wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing. Yes, a real surprise will unsettle even the most stoic celebrity news junkie and upset that delicate balance between sinner and saint – or, more poignantly, between Kerry Katona and Cheryl Cole – upon which the grounds of Celebland lie. Thus, having Owened up to Relighting many a girl’s Fire, our next prestigious accolade is duly presented to Mark Owen, good boy gone bad, who wins Best Celebrity Surprise by a landslide. And oh, how the debris crumbles.

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Kerry Katona follows Cheryl Cole’s Lead

With all the commotion surrounding the break-up of Cheryl and Ashley Cole, another of Britain’s sweethearts has been forgotten.

The Cole’s are not the only celebrity couple parting ways, Kerry Katona and parasite husband, Mark Croft have separated again.

The new svelte Kerry was pictured out at the weekend without her wedding ring on, as she tries to rebuild her life and reclaim her status as Queen of the British Public (well at least Queen of the ones who shop at Iceland).

I wonder if she will actually follow through and take a leaf out of Cheryl’s book and divorce the low-life?

I have a feeling there will be a reconciliation by the end of the month…

The Final Life Lesson, An Education in Retrospect

Trust me, I'm a celebrity

Well, Class, we’ve certainly learned some important life lessons, have we not? From Susan ‘slapped-arse’ Boyle to Ashley Rascole, with various pun-worthy gurus thrown into the mix along the way, we have, by all accounts, scratched the surface of the art of Celebrity life, in all its absurdity and paradox. Thus, as we reach our tenth- and final- life lesson, we turn our attention back upon ourselves and retrospectively take stock of what we have been taught from all those cry, ‘Trust me, I’m a Celebrity!’ So take note and follow the rules, dear friends. And consider this hindsight your final life lesson: conscientiously and all attentive, never underestimate the importance of education. Read the rest of this entry »

Life Lesson No.8, courtesy of Pity Andre

Trust me, I'm a Celebrity

Expect rain today, as a monsoon, wet and wild, pours upon the fields of Celebland. Howling a blubber, it signals the blues with its rainy abandon and soaks the ground with drenching torrents, sending all in sight into a flurry of water-sprayed bewilderment. I am, of course, referring to The Celebrity’s cry-ridden meltdown, a time-honoured tradition that sheds bitter tears with an attention calling ‘boohoo.’ The Best Dramatic Performance this week goes to Peter Andre, whose evocative display of attention-seeking sorrow reminded us at once of the power of the whimper and urged us to follow the tracks of his tears in weeping imitation. Yes, choked up and all a-sniffle, we move swiftly along to our next celebrity life lesson; lamentably, bawl like a baby.

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